Parenting after Divorce
Following divorce, the role of a spouse ends, yet the role of a parent continues.
The following questions may be helpful –
- How can I be involved in my child’s life?
- How do I manage parenting if my ex spouse and I can’t get along?
- How can I get along with my ex spouse well enough to parent our children together?
Co-parenting means that both parents play an active role in their children’s day-to-day lives. A vital key to successful co-parenting arrangements is how well the parents function. What works best for some divorced parents may not work well for others.
Research has shown that benefits of co-parenting include:
- Children develop stability.
- Children continue relationships with both parents.
- Children are less likely to feel torn between their parents.
- Children are less likely to feel abandoned.
- Children are less likely to feel they have to meet the social and emotional needs of their parents.
In every divorce, parents must recognize the importance of finishing what they started namely raising their children. Divorce is extremely difficult for most children. They benefit when they have relationships with both parents and they tend to adjust better to divorce when:
- Parents don’t place their children in the middle of their conflicts.
- Both parents respond to the needs of their children.
- They have a good relationship with both of their parents.
- Parents don’t argue, especially when their children are present.
Problems between parent and child may result from problems between parents
Problems may develop if parents send messages to each other through their children. Problems also arise when a parent talks negatively about the other parent. Children may feel guilty and unsure of their parents’ love when they’re caught in the middle. If a parent asks about a former spouse, children may report that things are fine, even if they’re not. Or children may say things to make one of the parents feel bad. Again, don’t use your children by putting them in the middle. If you want to know something about your ex-spouse, ask that person yourself.
Parents often disagree on how to discipline their children. When mothers and fathers have different rules, children may not respect either set of limits, or they may use the differences to gain power over parents. For example, a mother may change a curfew and the daughter may say to her father, “Mom lets me stay out until midnight.” It’s important to have clear rules and boundaries in your household. Try not to feel guilty if your rules are different than those of your ex-partner. If you are comfortable with the rules you have set, stick with them. When it seems you and your former-spouse can’t agree on certain issues, it helps to restate common goals.
Helping children adjust
Children can adjust to a variety of living patterns, including living in two homes. How well children adjust depends on whether parents can minimize their conflicts, stop arguing and focus on their children’s needs. When parents can’t agree, tell the children there will be separate rules in each home. It may be frustrating, but it’s important to remember that your children need you to be a strong, positive influence in their lives.
The following books can be recommended on the subject of parenting:
Helping your kids cope with divorce the sandcastles way.
The author will empower you to contain your children’s anxiety and feelings of insecurity and to re-establish a measure of equilibrium as effectively as possible. Using loads of case studies from her extensive files, Anne highlights the following: How, when and where to inform your children in an age-appropriate and honest way; Emotional support for you, the parent; Guidance on effective parenting skills to help your children. The how to of active listening, anger management and clear, firm and consistent boundary setting – all with practical examples.
This revised and updated second edition features ideas from the latest research, more information on long-distance parenting, dealing with the courts, and working with a difficult co-parent. “Parents argue a lot before a divorce,” says Dr. Stahl. “If they continue to argue after the divorce, their children will suffer.” Stahl knows parents are not perfect, and he uses that knowledge to show imperfect parents how to settle their differences in the best interests of the children. Often required reading in court-mandated divorce education classes.
Invaluable parenting advice on how to coparent. during and after divorce, from a sought-after expert on parenting topics. As a court-appointed child custody evaluator for 15 years, Dr. Peter Favaro is uniquely qualified to write this must-have guide for parents going through divorce. A child psychologist, he understands the effects divorce can have on families, especially when difficult exes, lawyers, visitation schedules, and other issues directly affect the child. Favaro addresses 50 essential topics in. short, easy-to-read chapters, including 100 dos and donts that will make things easier on your child–and better for your family.
Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in law and 13 years as a practising attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters and international divorce law.